i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
