6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
