Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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