i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
should my penis look like a turkey
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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