I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
