My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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