You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
