Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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