I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
