I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
