Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
