mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
