Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I think I have vodka in my lungs
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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