I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
