He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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