Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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