we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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