you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
