My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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