dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
