hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
did i just pee glitter
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