No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
