i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
