I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
