It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You took a bar mat shot.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
