im six kinds of drunk right now
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
