dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
