When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
