I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
