My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
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