It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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