I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
