i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
