Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
