I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
