I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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