And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I fill condoms, not promises.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
