I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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