Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
