Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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