member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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