I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
