I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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