He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
