Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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