so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
