Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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