I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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