I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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