i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
