I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
we made out on top of his cat.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
