I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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