If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
