I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
